Cyril's Lament
by Red Witch
Summary: Cyril does some thinking (as well as drinking) about how his life is going. It's not good.


**This time Cyril did something to the disclaimer that I don't own any Archer characters. This little mad one shot takes place immediately after Operation Piece of Cake. It explores Cyril's mind. What there is of it…**

 **Cyril's Lament **

Cyril staggered into his apartment. "A mob hit…" He moaned. "I was an accomplice in a **mob hit!"**

He then started to cackle with madness. "Sure? Why **not?** I mean come on Cyril! You've already killed Russian double agents, terrorists, space pirates, communist rebels that were really CIA backed mercenaries and inadvertently fed a couple of corrupt Columbian police officers to alligators? **Why not** a blow up a couple of members of organized crime?"

He laughed as he went to the refrigerator. "Just another casualty on the body count! Who's **next?** Aliens with a ray gun? Cyborgs with a trash compactor? A CIA scientist with his own invention? WHO'S NEXT?"

He opened the refrigerator and drank an entire bottle of Glengoolie Hard Lemon cooler in one swig. "Oh yeah…There's the numbing effect of alcohol," He moaned. He threw away the bottle and grabbed another one.

"Look at what these people have done to you Cyril," Cyril groaned. "They've already turned you into a sex addicted, lying, stealing, drug dealing **murderer**. Why not become an alcoholic too like the rest of 'em?"

"I don't why I stay with those maniacs! I really don't!" Cyril groaned as he stumbled into his living room. "Ever since I joined this agency my life has been one form of humiliation and dangerous situation after another! Every good thing I've experienced has been marred by twenty bad ones! And I did the math so I know that's how it works!"

"Maybe I should walk away while I still can?" Cyril sighed as he sat on his couch "God I might end up like Ray. Or Brett. Ugh. Maybe it is time I made a change with my life? I still have my accounting license. And my law degree. Picked up a few computer skills from my time here at the agency. Hell I took over a country and ran it pretty well for three weeks! That should count for something right?"

"But what about references? Hmmm I could always bribe Pam for a good HR recommendation. That's no problem. Mallory is the bigger problem. Could always blackmail her for a reference. Or get her drunk on Absinth. Yeah that could work."

"Yeah just wait until she has one of her Absinth blackouts and have her sign a recommendation I wrote," Cyril thought it out. "That shouldn't be too hard. I'll just tell her it's a form to reorder Scotch! That's how I got my last raise."

"I could move from New York to anywhere I want," Cyril realized. "Do anything I want. So why am I staying **here?** Here with the constant insults and madness and clones and the cyborgs and insanity that haunts my waking nightmares?"

"But where would I go? Hmm? Maybe some quiet Midwest town where nobody knows me? I could set up a law firm or something. Live a peaceful life. Or even better I could move to Florida. Somewhere warm all year long. Where women wear bikinis all year long…"

"California! Or Hawaii! I could be a private eye! That would be cool! If the law thing doesn't work out and the accountant thing doesn't work out…Yeah that would be my dream job."

"Well technically being a dictator was my dream job," Cyril sighed as he took another drink. "Something tells me that's not going to happen again."

"I wasn't always like this! I was a good guy once!" Cyril moaned as he got up. "I was just a simple guy with a dream to be a defense attorney and help people."

"And now…Now I'm a rogue accountant slash spy slash assassin for a barely legal spy agency that commits more crimes than solves them…WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO MY LIFE?"

He looked at his reflection in the mirror. "I was a good man once…"

"Man?" Cyril could see his mirrored reflection scoff at him. "You were a **mouse**!"

"What?" Cyril gasped.

"You heard me," Mirror Cyril sneered at him. "You were a measly little nobody just running along on a hamster wheel before you joined the agency from Hell. At least now you're not as smooth as a Ken doll."

"You know…?" Cyril snapped at his reflection.

"Face it Cyril you'd be bored out of your mind after a few months of living in a small town or pretty much almost anywhere else," Mirror Cyril snapped. "Okay maybe longer in Hawaii but seriously…Let's do a reality check. You're not going anywhere. Besides being addiction to the action and the alcohol you still have a thing for Lana!"

"Lana…I blew it…" Cyril sniffed.

"Oh please!" Mirror Cyril snapped. "Who does that self-righteous judgmental whore think she is?"

"Don't talk about Lana like that! She's not a whore!" Cyril shouted.

"True. Whores are **smarter** than her!" Mirror Cyril sneered.

"Stop saying that!" Cyril shouted.

"You know you were only a rebound right?" Mirror Cyril asked. "Something different for her to cleanse her…pallet?"

"She loved me and I screwed it up," Cyril sniffed. "By screwing around!"

"Oh please. How much you want to bet that Lana somehow cheated on you and somehow Archer was a part of it?" Mirror Cyril snapped. "What she really wants is Archer but somehow she molded you into Archer and when she was done she went running back to the real thing!"

"That's crazy!" Cyril yelled.

"Is it? Is it **really**?" Mirror Cyril sighed. "Let's do the math. Sterling Archer is a mama's boy who gets emasculated by his mother all the time and is desperate for her approval. Approval from a controlling emasculating bitch with trust issues! And how **exactly** did Lana treat you?"

"She was nice to me!" Cyril protested. Mirror Cyril gave him a look. "Okay fine, she always had to be a controlling emasculating bitch with trust issues! HAPPY?"

"And then what did she do?" Mirror Cyril looked at him. "She dumps you for cheating on her and steals the sperm of her ex-boyfriend who cheated on her ten times more than you did! Yeah, she's **not crazy at all**!"

"I really blew it with her didn't I?" Cyril moaned.

"Oh please," Mirror Cyril snorted. "That ship was going to sail no matter **what** you did! The only difference is that you were able to cheat on her before she was able to cheat on you! That's why she really left you. Not because you cheated on her. She just thought she was going to be the one who cheated on you **first!** Because she thinks she's **better** than you!"

"That's the sex addiction talking! That's not like me!" Cyril protested.

"You mean it's not like you to actually get **laid** more than once a year!" Mirror Cyril snorted. "Grow up! Get over her and get on with your life."

"Maybe I should just get over her?" Cyril groaned. "Leave the agency. Leave town…"

"ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?" Mirror Cyril shouted. "After everything those idiot assholes **did** to you? And I'm not just talking about Lana and Archer. Those two are just the ones with the biggest number in the debt column! I'm talking about the other crazy things those **other** crazy assholes put you through! In particular one Mallory Archer!"

"I can't just walk away can I?" Cyril realized.

"Hell no! You have to stay and wait Cyril," Mirror Cyril told him. "Wait for your time. It came once, it'll come again! And then you can get revenge. Revenge on Archer and all those assholes who made your life a living Hell!"

"Yeah…" Cyril started to laugh. "I can bide my time until I get revenge…And the next time I throw Archer in a dungeon I will **definitely** pay for express delivery on those scorpions!"

"Exactly. Why wouldn't you pay the extra twenty bucks for shipping?" Mirror Cyril asked.

"Well I was trying to be cost efficient and economical," Cyril explained. "I mean the budget of San Marcos was in tatters at best."

"Oh yeah. Good thing you have **lots** of experience working with broke agencies huh?" Mirror Cyril snorted.

"Yeah. But definitely next time I'll spring for the scorpions," Cyril nodded.

"Ooh! Or even better! Alligators!" Mirror Cyril said.

"Even better! Cyborg alligators!" Cyril declared.

"Now you're talking!" Mirror Cyril nodded.

"That'll really freak Archer out," Cyril laughed. "I'm liking this plan already. Just have to bide my time and wait for my opportunity."

"Exactly. Besides," Mirror Cyril said. "Lana may be a crazy emasculating self-righteous bitch but we so gotta re-hit that."

"Definitely," Cyril nodded. "And now that I think about it, we could probably get Cheryl and Pam anytime we want. And they were pretty awesome in the sack too."

"Oh yeah," Mirror Cyril agreed. "Weird and creepy but still great. Not to mention Mallory."

"Yeah, I gotta admit," Cyril said. "She knows stuff."

"And the fact you nailed Archer's mom is so going to drive him crazy!" Mirror Cyril laughed.

"Yeah! Crazy enough to kill me!" Cyril snapped.

"Right…" Mirror Cyril frowned. "Might want to keep that knowledge on the down low."

"YOU THINK?" Cyril snapped.

"Okay fine. But dude…" Mirror Cyril said. "You gotta admit, you've been crushing pussy right and left since you got to this agency. Remember that French chick from ODIN?"

"It was almost worth getting caught with her," Cyril thought.

"And Scatterbrain Jane may have had her faults but she was a demon in the sack," Mirror Cyril snorted. "Those girls from accounting."

"Those chambermaids in San Marcos," Cyril added.

"That's right! And they were hot! You dawg!" Mirror Cyril grinned.

"I would have Juliana too if it wasn't for the nerve gas and the invasion," Cyril thought.

"And don't forget Trinette and those other hookers you went to. And those women were way hotter than what you thought you'd have to pay for!" Mirror Cyril added.

"Yeah. Good thing Archer was on some kind of weird points program and I was able to use it," Cyril nodded.

"That's what made it even sweeter," Mirror Cyril grinned.

Cyril thought. "You know I may be doing lousy in the life and friend department but honestly my love life is going a lot better than I thought it would. I never thought I'd get laid half as much as I have."

"And let's be honest. We're not exactly a hundred percent against Ray…" Mirror Cyril started. "You have to admit he's way more feminine than Lana…"

"Okay that is going **too far**!" Cyril snapped as he pointed at the mirror.

"Point taken," Mirror Cyril admitted. "Just remember Cyril, it's **you** against **them**! Just bide your time and when the moment is right…Strike like a cobra!"

"Yes…Yes! Strike like a cobra and pour my venom into their eyes! REVENGE! REVENGE!" Cyril threw his hands into the air and laughed hysterically. "HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! VENGENCE WILL BE MINE! HA HA HA HA HA!"

Meanwhile from his lab Krieger was watching Cyril on closed circuit cameras he had hidden in his apartment. In his underwear.

"Huh. It appears Cyril is having a mild psychotic breakdown," Krieger mused as he calmly munched on some potato chips.

"Cyril going cuckoo bananas again!" Krieger's Virtual Girlfriend spoke up.

"This could be a problem," Krieger frowned. "I think I'd better up the dosage of his antidepressants that I put in his alcohol. At least I think they're antidepressants. Oh well."

"Better be careful with dosage," Krieger's VGF warned him. "You don't want to end up with another Piggly. Or Kevin."

"Ooff. Those were a mess. Both literally and figuratively," Krieger winced. "Still can't get the bloodstains off the walls."

"HA HA HA HA HA! HA HA HA!" Cyril was laughing insanely and dancing around. "REVENGE! HA HA HA HA HA!"

"I should **definitely** make sure some of the drugs are antidepressants," Krieger winced.

"You **think**?" Krieger's VGF snapped.


End file.
